I like various art. I seek god, understanding, love and other interesting things. Linger.
I really feel like crying now because I put so much of myself in a dumb crush and I lied to myself and now that it’s all over, all that’s left is a big hole. I found joy in the wrong place and now that it is gone, I don’t know what to with myself. Today my teacher dissed the hell outta me, because I was totally distracted by him. Everyone laughed and I cowered in my seat, my face burning , though invisible under my dark skin. I though ” jeez, I’m doing it again” why? I just feel so irritated. Knowing that I have Jesus but I still jump for some boy who doesn’t like me and could care less about me. He talked to me, willingly and not begrudgingly, and I let my guard down, my hopes up. It literally hurts, because I just keep fooling myself, I can’t stay away from him, and even when I avoid him I still give in and try to talk to him. Try is the keyword here, because he isn’t too talkative and when I talk to him especially , he never seems to want to talk. My chest is killing me,and I wish I could hide my disappointment. He cut his hair and he was looking really good today, his blue eyes being beautiful as ever. I was trumped by something petty as appearance. It didn’t change how incompatible we were! I was getting too annoying, clingy, and overbearing to him. I understand now. But his irritation just further shows it wasn’t meant to be, but my heart is heavy and I grow tired of my emotional weaknesses.